Comments on: Low-stakes First Dates

By: xaotica

xaotica — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 21:04:43 +0000

i can’t imagine myself going home with someone on the first date. not because i consider myself a prude (probably as far from that as you can get) but due to my anatomy it just seems needlessly risky for a potentially mediocre outcome. so it’d never occur to me that someone would need to be told not to plan for that. but maybe they do? it also seems risky in terms of drama… you never know if that superhot person who’s ready to come home with you is also a psychostalker =P

i do strongly disagree with the idea that you should avoid a novel activity with a new person, though. i assume by default that a random person from a dating website is probably not going to be that great. if they turn out to be great, i’m pleasantly surprised, but i figure that there’s a much higher chance that this will be a decent conversation with someone that i’ll never see again.

but if a date causes me to do something that i might not otherwise have done, that’s adding a lot of value. even if it turns out that i have no interest in the person, i now have a new and interesting experience under my belt. if it turns out i like it, i could later try it again with someone who i am really into.

i also generally consider people a good influence if they introduce me to something unique and interesting, even if i’m not attracted to them. so i’d think more highly of someone if they did that vs. if we just went to a coffeeshop which i could do whenever.

i’m an idealist, but i think that if someone is a person i’d enjoy dating, we’ll be having a good time regardless of whether we are doing something that i end up not enjoying or whether we’re at a coffeeshop. company makes all the difference.

By: mikest

mikest — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 18:46:05 +0000

well written, and good advice

By: Imagine

Imagine — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:56:26 +0000

yay concise article, I’ll link to it on my profile! d33ann: I heard there a ton more single men than women in Seattle! Have your pick!

By: d33ann

d33ann — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 11:56:43 +0000

Hey, great article Benji. Especially cause it’s stuff that I already believe about dating. It was nice to see it written so concisely. (I followed the link on the “how to be weird” post.) So now that I’m sure about what to do on first dates, can you find me some nice men in Seattle?!

By: benjyfeen

benjyfeen — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:53:13 +0000

JJ: Thanks for reading, and for commenting!

Two key features of a low-stakes approach:
* Spend your first date giving yourself and your date opportunities to decide whether you want to proceed
* Make and communicate an honest yes/no decision about whether to proceed

There’s nothing inherently wrong with going out to a movie and getting a drink afterward. I’m offering an alternative to people who’ve tried that and found that it doesn’t work for them. If it works for you—hey, wanna go to a movie?

By: JJ

JJ — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:13:57 +0000

Completely disagree about the movies being a bad first date. GREAT first date. With online dating, you never really know how attracted you are going to be to the person once you actually meet them. Going to the movies is a great way to sort of dip your foot in first. After the movie though, you should ALWAYS grab a drink or coffee or something, even if you are not attracted to the person because otherwise that would be incredibly rude. The movie provides a good conversation starter…and who knows….maybe with conversation, you might start to be more attracted to the person. If after all that, it’s a no-go….fine..movie…conversation…all good. If you go into a date with someone that you immediately realize you are not attracted to in person, conversation will be awkward because it will be tainted with disappointment. And if you are insanely attracted to the person, it could also be helpful to have that movie as an adjustment period, so thay you are not too drooly.

By: Elyse Horvath

Elyse Horvath — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:48:05 +0000

Excellent advice, and well said.
You know how long it’s been since I’ve had a first date. My opinion is that getting to know someone slowly is wise. Then, by the time you raise the stakes, you know you’re interested for sure.

By: ian23

ian23 — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:57:45 +0000

Very droll, and very well considered advice.

Especially not engaging in protracted flirting.

Although I would note that shy people– and movie fanatics– sometimes like going to movies on a first date. Shy people since it’s a great opportunity to sit companionably for a couple hours without *having* to talk the whole time– and movie fanatics so they can suss out the other person’s all-important movie theater etiquette.

By: Life After College » Blog Archive » Low Stakes First Dates - Guest Post by Benjy Feen

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 06:03:22 +0000

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By: Daniel Howard

Daniel Howard — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:42:02 +0000

Ditto on okcupid.

Good writing, B.

-danny